Your Steroid Resource

Don’t take steroids. But if you’re dumb enough to take them — don’t get caught.

If you happen to be even dumber and get caught, make sure you have a game plan to successfully dodge, or admit, your steroid accusations.

I’ll focus on seven players who’ve allegedly juiced: Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, the newly anointed Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz.

First is the runner-up in the 1998 chase for 61 home runs, Sosa, who has 609 career home runs and holds the record for most 60-home-run seasons with three, according to Baseball Digest. Sosa’s method of dodging steroid accusations: an Oscar-worthy performance.

The award for best actor who suddenly forgot how to speak English when faced with steroid allegations goes to — drum roll please — Sammy Sosa.

The winner in the chase for 61, McGwire, acknowledged taking androstenedione after Steve Wilstein, an AP reporter, saw it in his locker at Busch Stadium, Matt Chaney of New York Daily News said.

Androstenedione was banned by the Olympics, National Collegiate Athletic Association and the NFL, but not by MLB at the time. What set McGwire’s steroid dodging apart was the admission of him using steroids – given by his brother. What better way for Jay McGwire to promote his book than to expose his brother’s drug use?

Now up, Boston’s former duo, Ramirez and Ortiz. Ramirez, the 2004 World Series MVP, allegedly tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, according to an article on the Sports Illustrated Web site. The 2003 allegations came after serving a 50-game suspension for the use of hCG.

According to Mike Fish of ESPN, hCG is “produced naturally by women during pregnancy and often is used by steroid users to reboot their body’s natural testosterone production coming off a steroid cycle.”

But what wasn’t said is hCG is also used for erectile dysfunction — or to jumpstart testosterone production when the testicles have become inept, according to an anonymous physician, who was quoted by Yahoo Sports. Ramirez’ method of steroid dodging — remain quiet before opposing fans flip “Mannywood” into a joke about your masculinity.

Ortiz allegedly tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003. These allegations came in the wake of Ortiz’s worst season in Boston that features a comedic .224 batting average as of August 21.

Ortiz’s method? Claim he never bought steroids, but admit he might have been a bit careless back in the day when buying over-the-counter supplements and vitamins. But what do you blame his sudden lack of performance on? A miraculous, timely eye sight problem?

The next method of steroid dodging — the all too effective “60 Minutes” appearance. Patrons of this art, Clemens and A-Rod, have used Katie Couric and Mike Wallace to publicly make even bigger asses of themselves.

A-Rod first appeared on “60 Minutes” with Couric in 2007 after the Mitchell Report was released. While not named in the report, when Couric asked him if he’d ever been tempted to take performance-enhancing drugs he replied with a “no.”

A-Rod was among the first players to be leaked from the 2003 MLB testing report— which was supposed to be confidential. The tests were performed to see the percentage of players who were using performance-enhancing drugs. Ortiz and Ramirez were also a couple of the names leaked.

Following the leak of the 2003 test, A-Rod admitted to using steroids after lying to Couric on national television. Selena Roberts and Sports Illustrated broke the story. A-Rod’s next move? Attack Roberts.

This leads to the A-Rod art form – Be two faced. Deny steroid allegations, then admit to using when you get caught. Attack the media, then apologize. Admit you took steroids, then change your story.

Clemens, who was named in the Mitchell Report, went on “60 Minutes” to talk to Brett Wallace. According to Clemens, he never took performance-enhancing drugs. I guess it’s easy to do it the Clemens way and say you beefed up with hard work, vitamin B12 and lidocaine.

Last up is the home run king and master of steroid dodging, Bonds. This power hitter has the record for most career home runs and the single-season home run record. There wasn’t a method of denial — or steroid —he didn’t try.

These seven players have pretty much written the book on dodging steroid allegations. Some were more successful than others. The ones who tried the hardest, Clemens and Bonds, dug the deepest holes.

While I don’t condone the use of performance-enhancing drugs in sports, it’s ridiculous to let the fact that these guys juiced take away from the way their accomplishments affected the fans.

The emotions felt by sports fans during the chase for 61, the Red Sox breaking the curse or the all-time home run record were real – even if the players’ power numbers wasn’t.

So, like I said, if you’re going to take steroids, don’t get caught.

But if you do get caught, you can take a lesson from the pros and try your hand at squeezing out of the consequences.